My mind is stuck on the party circuit
going round and round
and all I can hear is the pound of the music
drowning out my thoughts
and the beats of my heart

My mouth taste like the sting of alcohol
of which I had too much
and the bitterness of cigarettes
of which I had none
it must have come from other lips
that passed smoke into gray lungs

That isn’t my poison
no
mine is the heat of the dance floor
the smell of sweat
and the vibration of the sound system
reverberating through my whole body
stimulating every molecule

And the dirtier I get
the cleaner I feel

Nobody ever told me I could run and hide
they said the light would find me and the dark would push me away
I was coastally stuck in a sea of gray
but back then I didn’t really know what I needed
not what I wanted what I needed
because those are two very different things
what you want isn’t always what you need
and what you need isn’t always what you want
but we will always want and need things
and then when I could barley reach the playground swing
what I wanted was the only thing
and I was selfish but that was ok because
those days are behind me
when you’re a kid the sun is just light
you don’t need it it’s just there
but later on you start to question
and you see that the sun is all things
it gives life
radiating in heat
and from there you go bigger and deeper
and you see that as you grow
so does the world
it’s constantly changing
with you
but sometimes it’s hard to handle
because when you look at the big picture
you are just a speck
in the universe
they need an arrow to point you out
and man does that leave room for doubt
like why am I here
and do I really matter
because out of 7 billion
7 billion people in the world
only some of them ever really leave a mark
or so we think
because we don’t look at impact in distance
or time
we look at it
in moments
and we never really think
we could have one of those
just one moment
to change everything
what we don’t realize is
we don’t need one moment
we need many
it’s just that one moment
that everyone sees
so trust me you can hide
but maybe
you don’t have to
you can walk in the light
and make those moments
that will matter
even if it’s only to you

I lost myself
in the math of you

Gridded your smile
the curve of your lips
X’s and Y’s

Numbered your freckles
over a plane
each creating
different connecting lines

Created equations
for the shine of your hair
how it rippled and fell
around your shoulders
and poked out
at odd angles
when you pulled it up
into a messy bun

Formulas
detailing your laugh
small and shy
when you were nervous
or loud and true
when you were at ease

And calculated the volume
of your eyes
the feeling they could hold
dimmed with exhaustion
or sparked with excitement

I’m so analytical
so statistical
I looked at you
as a problem to be solved
but people cannot be solved

Their numbers are never ending
I see that now
just as I see you

Beyond planes
or equations
or points
or numbers

infinite
and without an answer

One swing for my mother,
one swing for my brother,
and one swing for my grandfather too.

One swing for my best friend,
one swing for my new friend,
And one swing for me and you.

I’ve been in a slump this last season
and every time I’m up to bat
my arms feel heavy
and the pitch always seems so fast.

But everyone has their off days
even the major pros
I’m getting back to the basics
and I’m relearning all the throws.

I’ve had my share of strike outs
and every swing they gotta call
so for now my goal isn’t a home run
my goal’s to hit the ball.

There was a factory
loud and big
and what they made there
was a secret
but the workers knew
and they would tell stories
of large sparkling mixtures
and moulds shaped like hearts
and a warm feeling
all over the factory floor
and people would stare
because the tall smoke stacks
billowed with black sadness
and pain and loss
but the workers would say
that’s the price you pay
for love

He lost everything
in a fire
one solemn night

So young
death was still new

But as the flames
ate at his home
he could not help but know
it was too late

And then he realized
it was his fault
he had lead death to his door
and his kin had paid the price

He doesn’t speak
and when he does
guilt
weighs his words
he walks with a heavy heart

He wears black
and mourns his loved ones
with every hour
and every good moment
is tainted by the memory
of their screams

Mistrust
is his law
and anger
his old friend

He’s the ashes
of the boy he once was
and the shadow
of the man he could have been

I saw you
waiting at the bus stop
your red hair pulled back
with a black bird pin
and I wondered
‘What is she thinking?’

Were you late?
To wherever it was you had to go?
Were you hoping no one could tell?
Were you holding back from tapping your foot,
impatiently,
as another minute passed
and the bus still wasn’t there?

I looked at your long blue coat
tied and two buttons undone
from the top
and I wondered
‘Who is waiting for her?’

Who could she have
a mother in another state
waiting for her next holiday?
A sister, studying aboard
waiting for a phone call?
Or someone special
waiting for her to get home
to dinner and a bed
two bodies warmed?

I watched you smile softly
at the shinning sun
and I wondered
‘What are her dreams?’

Does she sing?
Is she going to a studio?
Does she hope to be a hit?
Or act?
Is she going to and addition
for Broadway?
Does she want her name in lights?
Does she write?
Is she working on a novel?
The next best seller?

Who is she?
What does she want to be?

And now I wonder
what you wondered
when you turned
with your green eyes
and saw me.

I want to destroy you

Feel your bones crush beneath my hands
your blood drip between my fingers
your sweet smile
an open mouth scream

Hear you beg
plead
breath raspy and wet
tears running down your cheeks
salty and sweet

Tear you apart
slowly
strip by strip

Chain you up
and throw away the key
so you can’t run
or try to leave me

I will only hurt you
that’s all I know
don’t come to close

Let me dream
of my teeth at your neck
and my nails at your heart
scratching my mark into your skin
with every faint, stuttering beat

I did not die to get here
I have only ever known life

The planting
and the growing
the cultivating of a living thing
is hard work
watching it day after day
weaving it through light and earth

I am the daughter of the harvest
I know the early cries of seeds just sprouting
I know the whispers of ripe fruits
I know the graciousness of the animals
I know life
beginning
but I do not know death

Here, I am learning

I see the dead
gray spirit things
the after parts of a life
the pieces of the soul no longer bound by a body

Wavering on their own
frail and lost
and I help them
guide them to the other side
through the silent river

I hear them
singing songs of loss
of families left behind
of the gods and faith
of healing rest

They crescendo through the corridors
of my house and the tunnels
filling its ever quiet spaces
with slow sweet laments
wise a stirring

I feel them
in the deepest parts of me
moving through beats of my blood soaked heart
a small chilling breeze
that makes me shiver
yet fills me with sight

And they are so lighting
reflective of the surface from whence they came

I am a child of green
I dropped water on the wild
pure and clean
quenching it’s thirst
i filled the pelts of beast
with hearts and souls
breathing light in to their eyes

But now I watch the remains
of those I once raised

It was not why I was born
but it is a task I do not take lightly

The seeds of a pomegranate
sowed within me
a bond that cannot be broken

I am a prisoner
an unwilling lover
a goddess of shades
and their humble student

I am the living queen of the dead

Break me into pieces
bury me in ash
boil up my blood
and spread it down the path

Flick up a little spark
and watch the blinding blaze
my skin like paper
lost in the haze

Throw me in the pit
paint me fire red
i’ve never burned brighter living
then I am now that I’m dead